London Vendors

Two very different days, two very different experiences:

1) Lazy Sunday afternoon, at one of the East Ham Indian grocery stores, I wanted to buy some green chillies -

(IG - Indian grocer)
Me: Yeh [pointing to a gigantic bowlful of green chillies] poora bowl lena padega?
IG: Kitna chahiye?
Me: Handful, buss.. Do jann kitni mirchiyaan khaayenge? [cracking up at my wit]
IG: [unamused] Theekh hai, ismein daal deejiye.. [handing me a freezer bag]
Me: [picking up a tiny fistful of green chillies] Iske kitne paise?
IG: Le leejiye, kuchh paise nahin iske
Me: [feeling awkward] Aink?! Aise kaise? Kuchh toh lena padega! Achha.. yeh [pointing to a gigantic bowlful of Coriander leaves] bhi poora bowl lena padega? Do jann kitna dhaniya..
IG: [rudely interrupting] Le leejiye, kuchh paise nahin iske bhi
Me: Nahin, nahin, aise kaise, kuchh paise nahin inke? Dono ke milaake £1 le leejiye!
IG: Fifty p
Me: One pound! [suddenly realizing that he probably thinks I'm poor]
IG: Fifty pence!
Me: [realizing, also, that I was making a scene] Thank you, ji..

2) Grumpy (and hungry) Monday evening, at a snake kiosk (owned by a Gujju) at Liverpool street station, I wanted to buy a Galaxy bar -

(GK - Gujju kiosk-keeper)
Me: Can I have a plain Galaxy bar, please? The one without Hazelnuts?
GK: [handing me a plain Galaxy bar - one without Hazelnuts] 65 pence, please.
Me: [switching to Hindi because I can't speak Gujju without offending the Gujju lot] Uncle, kuchh dino pehle toh 60 pence tha, aaj achanak 65p kaise ho gaye?
GK: Gaye hafte, naa? Woh kya hai naa, jab maal aata hai toh humko jyaada charge kiya, toh hum aapko hi jyaada charge karenge, nai?
Me: Station ke baahar 50p mein milta hai! [shaking with rage]
GK: Look, today I am charging you 60p, but I will not do this next time, yaad rakhnaa!
Me: Ha!